1. Don’t shake its paw!
Martine Colette, chimp guru and director of Wildlife Waystation Experts, says a female chimp has up to five times the grip strength of an adult man.
2. Notice the signs
“Chimps’ hair will stand up when they’re agitated so they look bigger,” says Colette. They may also emit a loud scream that will scare the fecal matter out of you. Finally, ask yourself, ‘Is it charging at me?’ If you answered, ‘Oh… shit,’ it was great knowing you.
3. Run and hide!
If you see a chimp on the loose, you have two options: make like a banana and split… or, fight back and be eaten like one.
4. Don’t smile and make googly eyes
The smile-and-stare look you flash to attract women at Coles is the same one that could make a chimp go ape. “If you show your teeth, it could be misinterpreted as aggression,” says Colette. “And an intense stare normally produces a fight, fright or flight response.”
5. Don’t own a chimp
“Chimps are more likely to attack the people they know than strangers,” says Colette. Chimps are not meant to be pets. They are meant to be dressed up in people clothes in movies to entertain us.
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