Australia’s favourite deadpan comic discusses his hypothetical last day on Earth…
Before we chat death, what can audiences expect from your upcoming shows?
More shit that I find irksome.
Have you ever felt like you’ve died onstage during a stand- up gig?
Yes. All the time. Comedians who never die are boring or lying. Australians say they love a laugh and that they’re open minded larrikins, but they’re generally not. They’re busy marking out their territory and dobbing on other people. And telling me I’m not funny but they know someone who is.
How do you want to leave this world?
Probably suddenly and not too painfully – not in a bed that goes up and down, and not in a bath.
Do you have any deathbed confessions?
Yeah. Here are the co-ordinates. You’ll need a backhoe.
What’s your last meal?
Undercooked fish or chicken. Or a bullet.
Are you going to Heaven or Hell?
Hell. People who say they’re going to Heaven are dorks. Having established that I’m not a dork though, I probably
will go to Heaven. I’ve been awesome.
What do you say to God when you get there?
Well done killing all those yucky poor people with tidal waves and shit. My tone would be different depending on which one I was saying it to.
What quality advice, you’ve been given in the past, will you take to the grave with you?
Righty tighty.
What’s your greatest achievement during your time on Earth?
One time I drove a van from Melbourne to Brisbane and it only had third gear.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever did on Earth?
Just recently I bought some imaginary coins. Turned out to be worthless.
Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again?
Put on a tie. Stifling, in every way.
What are your mates saying over your casket?
I f—kin’ told him it was loose.
What are your family saying over your casket?
He forgot to take out the garbage.
What’s written on your tombstone?
There was a bloke at work funnier than this wanker.
Got any last words?
No there wasn’t.
By SANTI PINTADO
Photographed by ANNELIESE NAPPA
Luke’s new show, Grot, will be touring to major capital cities from March to May. For more info go to lukeheggie.com
For the full article grab the February 2023 issue of MAXIM Australia from newsagents and convenience locations. Subscribe here.
