Finding it hard to part company, split, separate or terminate your relationship? Behold these top five expert tips on calling it quits and ending things with your partner – the right way…
It’s an unfortunate reality that not every relationship is destined to last. We all know someone who has experienced a horrible separation, but the end of a romantic relationship doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship altogether. A conversation about the decision to separate done with compassion and respect can result in a civil or amicable separation and the best outcomes for the whole family. I’ve seen just how pivotal the approach taken to this conversation is in my work as a family lawyer.
Even a civil separation means you and your partner can work together (versus apart). Working together results generally results in more creative, optimal outcomes that meet everyone’s needs. You save heartache, reduce the time it takes to finalise your separation, and minimise or avoid lawyer involvement altogether. Your wallet thanks you, and you have improved mental health and well-being overall because you’ve resolved your separation.
A conversation communicating the decision to separate done with indifference to the other person can result in hurt, conflict, and in some cases, a prolonged, expensive legal process. Having a go at your partner, saying hurtful things, or just looking after yourself might provide instantaneous relief, but that’s short-term thinking. The process of separating and making everything official requires longer-term thinking. Here are my top tips for telling your partner you want to separate with compassion and respect to thereby avoid making the mistakes identified below:
AVOID THE DOING-YOU-BEFORE-WE MISTAKE
Consider and decide on possible alternative overnight arrangements for after the conversation (and separation), so you can both have space if you need it. Before moving out of the home for good, though, get legal advice. You still have a physical presence in your relationship, even if you’ve checked out emotionally. Your partner will likely view it as deceptive if you set yourself up with a new home right down to the bottle opener before telling her you want to separate. She’ll think you’ve gone behind her back to do you and that she’s an afterthought – setting a bad tone before you’ve even discussed separating.
AVOID INFLICTING UNNECESSARY HURT
Write out what you want to say, rehearse it, and consider why – what’s the purpose behind your statement? Does it need to be said? Also, your partner will likely ask questions, so get comfortable saying, “Let me think about what you’ve asked, and I’ll get back to you with an answer”. You’re allowed the opportunity to give her a meaningful answer rather than being put on the spot. “I haven’t loved you for the last five years”, a husband said to his wife. The wife was hurt and angry because, from her perspective, she’d made decisions for their collective benefit and his lack of honesty cost her five years of her life. He could’ve conveyed that there was no prospect of working on the relationship in a softer, less devastating way. Some things are better left unsaid.
AVOID DOING IT IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT
You want to be proactive, not reactive. Take a breather if you are on the brink of telling your partner your decision to separate mid-argument. You’ve more to lose than gain in allowing emotions to take over. Begin the conversation to communicate your decision when emotions (hers and yours) have settled and you feel comfortable.
Telling your partner you want to separate without proper thought to the words or timing risks inflicting irreparable damage. Either emotion takes over, and you say things you don’t mean, or you haven’t thought through, or you might try to take back the words out of guilt. You remain with your partner and delay communicating your honest desire to separate. Once you’ve checked out of a relationship and have grieved its end, it’s hard to return.
AVOID POOR TIMING
Some say there’s never a right time to separate, but there’s undoubtedly better timing. Exercise judgment as to when is an appropriate or better time to discuss your decision with your partner. Be conscious and deliberate about the timing of the conversation. Happy occasions followed shortly by bad news invariably lead to cognitive connections. That is, the happy event can be overshadowed by bad news. Avoiding this is important if you have a child with your partner. Imagine if the happy occasion is a birthday or Christmas, then your child may forever associate the event with your separation news.
AVOID BLAMING ON THE WAY OUT
Your partner will likely want to understand the reasons for the separation so she can get emotional closure. Write out the top three to five reasons, ensuring you phrase the reasons for separating as an “us” problem. For example, if you’re feeling uncared for or not loved, perhaps phrase the reason as ‘you no longer feel like there is affection/care both ways in the relationship’. The reason you’re separating is a “we” problem. Attributing blame discourages accountability and humility and encourages defensiveness, which serves no purpose. Blaming contributes to the breakdown of trust and communication between a couple which is critical during a separation. Remember, the traditional family law legal system is designed to help couples engage in a combative, divisive, and expensive legal process. Avoiding this will benefit your mental health, your child, your relationship with your partner, and your wallet.
If you’ve time on your side and suspect your partner may feel blindsided by your decision to separate, you could seed plant. Seed planting involves continued conversations with your partner about your unhappiness in the relationship, thoughts about whether separating is the right decision for everyone involved, and what life could look like if you separated, for example, the financial split and your child’s care arrangements. It’s a gentler and more indirect way of giving your partner insight as to where your head is at whilst waiting for an appropriate time to communicate your decision. This can reduce the shock she might feel when you eventually tell her.
Bear in mind that coming to terms with the end of a relationship is a grieving process, like death. It starts with denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. If you’re considering separating, you’ll likely have started the grieving process already. Your partner might need time to catch up after learning about your decision.
Suppose you’re wondering how best to communicate your decision to separate to your partner. In that case, you could participate in couples counselling with the support of a neutral third person, have a direct conversation with her, or write a letter with your decision and top reasons for her to read in your presence (or not) with the invitation to have a conversation following.
There’s no real right way for you to break up with your partner, but doing so with compassion and respect doesn’t cost you anything, especially if you want to achieve the best outcomes for you and your family. Remember to think longer term, not short term.
SIOBHAN MULLINS, is the best-selling author of The Guys’ Guide to Separation And Divorce (Dean Publishing, rrp$34.95). She is an award winning, collaboratively trained family lawyer and founder of Separate Together, a family law firm best known for making the complexity and anxiety of separating simple and easy. For more information, visit https://separatetogether.com.au
By SIOBHAN MULLINS
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