In her latest book, Where’d They Go?, author ANDI LEW shares her helpful and hilarious insight into the history of never getting closure as well as all the answers you need for love, life and wellness. Here, in this edited extract, she sheds light on the ghosting culture and how to deal with it…
Welcome to the world of avoidance, negligence, laziness, carelessness, naivety, unawareness and unhealed relationships, all disguised under the umbrella of “modern dating” and “doing business”. The aforementioned behaviours are being seen more and more in business, friendships or romantic relationships – and we’ve coined the new term “ghosting”, where the act of disappearing mid courting or during business, has become commonplace.
Let’s get totally transparent about ghosting culture – it’s become normal and left us a little broken or perplexed, but who’s to blame? Why do we care? We’ve all had an experience where someone you’re chatting to just vanishes into thin air without any explanation. Is there a way to come back from a disappearing act and find healthy closure? Stop wondering where they went and why they didn’t like you. Start making sure you like YOU. Everything else will fall into place. You just weren’t meant to do life or business with that person.
WHAT IS IT?
Ghosting can happen in all types of interactions and relationships. It can be business, romantic, friendships or family related. So what is it, really? Disappearing isn’t a new concept but rather a new term for when you’re “left in the dark” about where your relationship is headed. Let’s be reminded that a relationship is simply anyone you’re having an interaction with. The definition of “relationship” isn’t limited to someone in a marriage, steady dating or de facto – it’s the way in which two or more things or people are connected. The word “relationship” can be used to describe a lot of things – like your relationship with food, your relationship with the divine or God and even your relationship with music.
Any connection or interaction with a person over time also becomes a relationship.
Connection is something I feel passionate about. Everything is connected and our relationship to this is our understanding of it which then depicts our quality of our lives. The quality of your life increases when you ask quality questions, get quality answers and have a quality of understanding. Your quality of life starts to lower when you “ghost” or are “ghosting” because it’s connection that is lost. Connection is key and connecting to yourself is the foundation to health and real love.
Before we get into a deep dive of what ghosting is, let’s talk about what it’s not. It’s not when someone says to you very clearly that the relationship is over. It’s done and they don’t want to be a part of it anymore. If you’ve been told this in a text (which isn’t the best way to communicate any ending) a phone call or face-to-face, then this has been relayed to you. The person hasn’t disappeared. They’ve actually told you what’s going to happen. Whether you’re choosing to accept or not accept the difficult decision, it’s still been given to you and therefore it isn’t “ghosting”.
Imagine you’re trying to patch things up and are trying your best to persuade the person to stick around. You want to give it another go, try and resolve things or just make contact again and they just never reply or return your messages and calls. That’s not “ghosting”. It’s often painful, I agree. And it can be disrespectful and confusing. Let’s get one thing clear though – you were clearly informed. So, even though this kind of behaviour isn’t ideal in any ending, because the other person (was it you?) didn’t get an opportunity to contribute to the decision, it’s so crucial to know you’re not ghosted. You do still need time to heal and find ways to make peace with this, too. It’s your healing process and emotional digesting that’s all about helping you to discover what’s even better for you then this previous partner. Now, doesn’t that sound wonderful?!
Here’s what ghosting really is. Ghosting means the person who exits never explains why they’ve disappeared and then also never returns your calls or messages. They vanish, disappear and are never to be heard or seen again – just like a ghost! It’s not like catfishing. To be catfished you can have an interaction online with a fake profile and feel like you’re chatting to someone real but then they leave. These are real people, though. They just don’t want to be real with you. In fact, they were not genuine or sincere to begin with. Think of it like reality TV – how real is that? Whether it’s that kind of media or any other kind of media you’re interacting on, you have to question the reality of how genuine all exchanges are.
The best interactions are usually the ones IRL (in real life) where you get to feel each other’s energy. You get to experience tonality and timing which means there’s less error for misunderstanding. If you’re only ever interacting with someone online and they just suddenly disappear, it’s because they were never really going to be real or honest about who they are to begin with. You actually didn’t have a relationship with them at all. It was an illusion, a lie and the interaction may have felt so real, but it wasn’t.
I find it all too common for people online to tell you what they want to do to you, or with you, in a text, only to never deliver. Don’t get me wrong, because it can and does actually happen in person, too. Some call it “love bombing” where so many promises and plans are delivered and fantasised about very early on whilst dating. They “bomb” you with all the things! It just goes off and you’re exploding with incredible love.
Sometimes intentions are pure and the “love bomber” is just getting carried away and probably should slow down to discover and ascertain sustainable compatibility. Sometimes it’s also for reasons that are manipulative, to get what they want, which is usually “one foot in the bed’, or perhaps financial or social gain. It makes me wonder if they’re just treating you like a modern day call hotline and expecting you to talk “dirty” back, but this time they’re not paying you for it! Oh, but you will later in other ways. So stay grounded and if someone promises you the world early on, it’s because they will probably deliver an Atlas.
WHEN YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW
This phrase could easily describe how you feel when it comes to making decisions with such finality. Is this what goes through the mind of a ghoster, where someone decides to stop contact suddenly? Do they or you, just know, do you think? Or is it a case of taking sweet time and the orange flags are ignored until there is finally a decision to vanish?
What if you’re the ghostee? Do you tell yourself you’re relieved and probably best off it happened now? Or are you despondent with a lower self-worth or self-esteem? It’s when no contact is made ever again that the person who stopped contact has chosen emphatically to cut all contact and the act that excludes all communication is telling, in itself. It’s like they actually want you to forget them and think they don’t exist or at least not exist in your life and head.
Did they make this decision with such conviction, out of fear? Or was it possibly out of love? Did you dodge a bullet? Was there something and someone else that was better for you? Did you manage to avoid another painful lesson or will this rejection be your redirection that’s going to give you more of your heart’s healthy crusade?
Whatever the answer, my book Where’d They Go? will help you to understand how ghosting is the highest blessing of your life!
Before phones were invented, people made plans when they finished having a conversation together. It was social culture and etiquette to say when they’d see each other next. This was the way the interaction often ended. It does still happen now, too, but not as often. Culture has changed. You don’t need to end every chat – DM, text message, email or video/Zoom/FaceTime with a phrase or comment about when you’ll talk or catch up next. You already know you will probably see them within the next hours online on one of the many social media apps you share and are friends on. You’re also very busy socialising on these apps with many others.
Culture has changed whereby it has become more acceptable and the “norm” to just end a chat without telling the person you’re ending it. It’s very rare that someone will tell you that they’re now going to bed, to do a yoga class, to walk into a meeting and turn off their phone or at least their notifications. Now, this isn’t “ghosting” but it sure is being non communicative – not openly sharing or disrespectful behaviour. We allow it and so it continues. What you allow is what will continue but hopefully we can start to reintroduce phrases that help one another feel heard, valid and valued.
What if you have been talking to someone about a job and you never hear back from them? This has happened to me so many times! I was ghosted in emails and phone calls with people in my line of work. I might be pitching an idea and some creative content or writing an article for media publications and then NOTHING. I’ve often said to myself, “Where’d they go?” This thought process was the inspiration for the title of this book. I must admit though, as it has happened, I’d make up stories in my head about why they’re avoiding all contact but you’ll never really know unless you ask.
It leaves one problem. How can you ask if they’ve vanished? Time is the answer to everything. Think about all the phrases with that word in it. “Time heals all”. “All we have is time”. “Time is an illusion”. “Time stands still”. The thing is, it’s with “time” that eventually they come back. The wheel always turns! Even if you legitimately never see or hear from them again, they’ll be thinking of you! It might not be right away but you’ll pop into their mind.
Business ghosting is quite different but it can feel similar. Sometimes “ghosting” happens in business because they’d perhaps stolen an idea or some of your professional advice. Or maybe they have now gone with a cheaper option? It’s often ruthless but all too common in many professions. Business is business. You eventually may or may not find out and may or may not deal with it. What if it wasn’t as malicious or ruthless and just a matter of their readiness to collaborate or hire you? Perhaps something changed and they’re so “knee deep” in a new structure, strategy or system that they just can’t muster the time or energy to explain to you? Perhaps they’re planning to eventually reply but from a triage perspective you’re simply not their priority?
I spoke to a friend once who got completely ghosted in a business interaction. He had pitched a marketing strategy and content video idea to a brand who reached out to him. He explained to me that they just stopped replying completely out of the blue and even though they were keen and it was “all systems go”, they vanished.
One day, he noticed on their website that they used his IP (intellectual property). He called them out and simply confronted them with an email forwarding his work displayed online, an invoice and his proof of concept telling them that they copied his work and charged for a consulting fee. He explained that he was fine if they wanted to use another video production company but they were not allowed to steal his idea. This was his form of closure. He was paid and no longer confused.
You won’t always get to discover the truth or deal with the disappearance via closure, though. The good news is that if you remain positive and focused, you’ll move onto other business wins, growth and keep soaring. For me, this always works and eventually if you’re doing well in your field, those in that field will notice. That’s when they’ll eventually reach back out and be ready or you’ll reach back out and see if it’s better timing. I guess you could say it’s a beautiful mix of tenacity, timing and trust.
If you’re getting any type of ghosting it’s important to understand that it does happen, but it’s not healthy. Since I’m all about wellness on every level, including relationships and mental health, and as a certified coach, I know all too well that the more you visualise your ideal “well world”, including relationships, the more you’ll know how to attract it. You’ll recognise it when you see it! ■
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ANDI LEW is one of Australia’s most popular wellness professionals and spokesperson with 30 years of experience in wellness education. A bestselling author, with a total of nine books, Andi has hosted lifestyle TV shows, appeared as an expert in wellness and dating on live programs and is a highly sought after rep for wellness brands and events. Moreover, she’s experienced the single life, being ghosted personally and professionally, and enjoyed every moment of life’s rollercoaster.
WHERE’D THEY GO? by Andi Lew (Heart To Heart Publishing RRP $27.95) is out now at book stores across Australia. Get your signed copy or ebook at andilew.com
For the full article grab the July 2022 issue of MAXIM Australia from newsagents and convenience locations. Subscribe here.
