In her latest book, YouTuber and self-development coach MAZ DELA CERNA provides a practical guide on recognising the core issues in relationships and making changes for the better. Here she shares her ways on how to get rid of toxic ones in your life…
No-one ever starts a relationship thinking “let’s fall in love and project our insecurities and past traumas onto each other”. The start of a relationship is exciting, it’s exhilarating. Our hearts skip a beat when we see each other we can’t get enough of them. Then somewhere along the line, we find ourselves fighting about things that don’t matter. Molehills become mountains and emotions start to run high. We find ourselves asking, “How did we get here?” Should you love someone so much where it kills you? Is this real love?
Toxic relationships are hard. Whether a romantic lover, friend, colleague or a family member, it doesn’t matter. The insults, judgements, and snide remarks start eating away at our confidence. Toxicity drains the life out of us. It prevents us from being the best version of ourselves. We become lethargic, tired, and even insecure. It’s exhausting. I’ve found myself in a cycle of toxic relationships and it wasn’t until I started to look at myself and question the role I played, did my life start to change for the better.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in the whirlwind of emotions. It’s easy to fall into a place of comfort. It can be hard to step up and leave. You don’t want to be disloyal; you don’t want to do the wrong thing; you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Yet you know where you are is so wrong. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, these tips may help with getting yourself realigned and take your power back.
ALIGN TO YOUR BEST SELF
Imagine yourself living your best life. Imagine yourself happy. Is this what you would be doing? Is this the kind of relationship you can be proud of? Is this the kind of behaviour your best self finds acceptable? Take a moment and start thinking about the person that you want to be. Reflect on what would make you happy. Can you have an open and honest conversation where you can both come to a resolution and compromise or have you tried several times before only for it to end in an argument?
MAKING THE TRANSITION
If we take the focus off what is going wrong and instead start focusing on what makes us feel good, we will find it easier to differentiate what is good for our souls and what isn’t. What hobbies and interests did you leave behind? Is there something you always wanted to do but hadn’t taken the steps to get there? When we start to focus our attention on things that make us feel good, it’s easy to see the things that drain us. Start doing things that feed your soul, even if it’s just walking the dog, going for a hike, having drinks with your friends, or going out for a nice meal. Take up old hobbies or start new ones. Life’s too short to not be doing things that make you feel alive.
BRINGING IT TO AWARENESS
If we always blame others for all of our downfalls, we will never learn nor would we take accountability for the part we play. When things were said and circumstances arose that didn’t play out the way we wanted, how did we react? How did we respond? Did we close up or did we lash out? Did our actions make the situation better or did it escalate it into a bigger problem?
DON’T LOOK BACK
Once we have left the dynamic, we can start to question ourselves. Did we make mistaks? Was this the right thing to do? What if they change? The battle between your head and heart will be difficult at first. Levelling up demands a different version of ourselves. To help with these emotions, write a list of all of the reasons why you left. Take a look at it every time you start to struggle and remind yourself of what you are gaining by leaving the toxicity. ■
Maz Dela Cerna is an inspirational author, blogger, YouTuber and self-development coach. With a history of abuse, drug addiction, weight gain and trauma, she changed her life around and is now the founder of the Phoenix Rising Collective coaching people around the world to uncover and remove their self-limiting beliefs and self-destructive thoughts. For more on her go to www.mazdelacerna.com I Deserve Better (published by Balboa Press, $8.99rrp) is out now
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