Infidelity is one of the most detrimental and devastating acts a person can commit against their partner. An affair can negatively permeate every single aspect of your original relationship and leave a lasting legacy of distrust and shame. In this extract from her latest book, Renovate Your Relationship, JOANNE WILSON investigates…
THE START OF A SLIPPERY PATH
The repercussions of infidelity on not only your current relationship, but many generations to come can include poor physical health, alcohol and substance abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder and even sometimes suicide. Many people mistakenly think that infidelity isn’t infidelity unless there is sexual contact. The likes of influencers and experts such as Dr Jenny Fitzgerald, Dr Shirley Glass, Dr Sue Johnson, the Relationship Institute Australasia, the Gottman Institute and Esther Perel provide evidence and clarification on what can be defined as infidelity beyond actual physical contact:
He/she dominates your thoughts: You are consumed by thoughts of them when you wake up, when you fall asleep and anytime in between. Most affairs don’t start with a steamy sex scene; they start in the mind.
You talk about the difficulties in your current relationship: You may have a few close friends with whom you share your frustrations about your partner, but when you find yourself sharing many of those problems and concerns with this ‘special person’, you may be crossing the line.
S/he becomes the first person you call: What happens when you get some exciting news, or you’ve had a dreadful day? Who do you think to call first, him/her or your partner?
Contact outside of ‘friendly’ hours: If you find yourself communicating at questionable hours, this may be a sign you are engaged in infidelity. Most platonic friends don’t text at 2 a.m.
They ‘get’ you: When you start to feel like s/he understands you better than your partner, this is a red flag. This usually leads to increased communication with him/her and less communication with your partner — we are more likely to communicate with someone we feel ‘gets’ us than someone who does not.
You redirect your time: If you find yourself finding excuses or creating more reasons to spend time with him/her, this may be a sign of infidelity. However, this is not limited to just physical time. If you are spending more time texting, emailing, Snapchatting, WhatsApping, Facetiming, etc… this may be a sign as well.
You compare your partner to him/her: When talking to your partner, do you think to yourself, “S/he wouldn’t respond like this, or S/he would be more attentive?” When out with your partner, do you think, “If I were with him/her, I’d be having more fun?” This automatically makes the other person the more favourable one and your partner the second prize winner. Your partner should always be first!
You lie: Lying by omission counts. Leaving out details such as meeting him/her for lunch, deleting messages, or denying any sort of communication with that person at all are all forms of lying. If you must lie, chances are you have something to hide; if you have something to hide, you probably know it’s not okay.
THE MOST COMMON QUESTION
I’ve heard lots of admissions as to why partners found themselves involved in physical and/or emotional affairs, with the reasons given varying greatly. Some of these include:
Lack of self-love: Interestingly, offending partners can find themselves in an affair when dissatisfied with themselves. Their new love provides a mirror of fresh adoring eyes which enables them to appreciate what they cannot see in themselves. (continued on page 59)
Family of origin: In my experience, far too many couples recovering from affairs in my counselling room are the result of previous infidelities in their family of origin (usually parents or grandparents). We can’t underestimate the value of the legacy we leave for the next generation.
Lack of nurture: An affair can be an indication of the need to escape from a situation of not being listened to. For women in particular, it is often indicative of a lack of emotional connection and nurture. American self-improvement guru Dale Carnegie summed it up perfectly when he said, “The sound of a person’s name is like music to their ears.” In my opinion, a symphony of two hearts united is performed from the gift of attentiveness.
Starving ego: Some can become addicted to the heightened physical and emotional rush of being with a new person.
Revenge: For mistreatment; when the betrayer finally gives up on the impossible task of trying to please their partner and retaliates by seeking adoration elsewhere.
Lack of intimacy: Intimacy is impacted by the ebb and flow of life’s demands and the varying compatibility of a couple’s libido (which each partner needs to understand and respect). Despite this, making time for regular sex is paramount in an effective and loving relationship.
Lack of investment in yourself and the relationship: Poor attention to keeping fit, healthy and rested can result in a substandard contribution to the relationship, resulting in one partner seeking out validation for their investment elsewhere.
Alcohol and drug use: Partners may escape from possible violence because of their partner’s dependency or inability to be fully present with each hangover. Often, it’s the lack of real communication between partners, of expressing your desires, or of being validated or acknowledged that fuels the outburst of crying in the arms of another person.
THE RISK OF BEING RISQUÉ
Many people ask me if pornography is a contributing factor to infidelity and whether it is bad for relationships. This is an extremely controversial topic and always will be. As a relationship therapist, I journey with clients without judgement, respecting their opinions and values. There is quite a lot of data about the use of pornography generally, some of which is alarming. However, studies don’t always make the distinction between users being single or in a relationship.
Some interesting statistics from Pornhub, one of the largest pornographic video sharing websites on the internet (but certainly not the only one), give some insight into how pornography is being used by people around the world:
● The site attracted a total of 42 billion visitors in 2019 (around 115 million a day). The United States were the biggest users, with Australia in ninth place.
● Female users increase each year and now make up 32 per cent of worldwide Pornhub traffic.
● The most frequent time for viewing is between 10 p.m. and 1 a.m.
● The most popular day is Sunday and the least popular is Friday.
● 76.6% is viewed on a phone, 16.3% on a desktop PC and 7.1% on a tablet.
It’s a highly profitable billion-dollar business! It’s impossible to use these statistics as a reason why people commit adultery within their marriage. Pornography is big business and like anything, if indulged in too excessively, is detrimental to your relationship. According to researchers Dr Bryant Paul and Dr Jae Woong Shim in their 2008 study, there were four main reasons why people used pornography:
Fantasy: Sexual excitement, satisfaction, curiosity, exploration and anonymity.
Mood management: Emotional regulation, stress relief and escapism.
Habitual use: Habit and convenience.
Relationship: Enhancement, skills, novelty.
Clinical psychologist Dr Clare Rosoman shows that some of the common outcomes of pornography use for those in a relationship are:
● Feelings of internal conflict such as shame, depression, anxiety and irritability.
● Social withdrawal and guilt over the financial outlay of pornography.
● With frequency, pornography can normalise and desensitise associated behaviours that lead to the pursuit of another person and possible affair.
Couples within my counselling room have reported that the partner not involved in the pornography may view it as a betrayal to the relationship. Not only can the partner feel sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use but find certain new sexual activities objectionable. A new ‘sexual script’ can be unwelcome.
● Risqué images can start as entertainment, may escalate to compulsions and then distort beliefs and expectations and even become addictions. The user faces difficulty in becoming sexually aroused without pornography. They can lose interest in and engage in fewer sexual experiences with their partner.
● Emotional closeness wanes due to a decrease in trust and pornography can be associated with dishonesty.
● Is there any benefit for relationships? The answer will be very different depending on how the questions are asked and who you ask. For example, people in casual relationships are far less likely to have a problem with pornography than those in long term relationships, who have built a life of trust and support together.
Mutual use of porn has been related to lower levels of distress than when only one partner is using and Dr Debby Herbenick is among those who say that couples using porn together found it easier to discuss sexual wants and fantasies with their partners and had higher relationship satisfaction. Not surprisingly, people who only viewed porn with their partner reported more dedication and higher sexual satisfaction than those who viewed it alone.
It makes sense the greater the discrepancy between partners in attitudes towards porn, the greater the negative impact on the relationship. Most discrepancies involve a male partner using more pornography than the female, which lowers her relationship satisfaction, reduces positive communication, creates instability and more relational aggression and lowers female sexual desire. In summary, can it lead to affairs? Yes, but not always. Is it good for your relationship? Ask your partner.
SHOCKWAVES FROM THE TSUNAMI
Only those who trust can find love and happiness. And only those who love can be betrayed. Marriage is a partnership built on love, trust and support, so it follows that recovering from an act of infidelity takes reconciliation, forgiveness and communication from both the betrayer and the betrayed. The effect of an affair can be similar to the grief associated with death. It’s important to realise that the repercussions of that ‘death’ affect both partners, including:
● Intense emotional deregulation: for the unsuspecting ‘injured’ partner, any sense of security and safety has been shattered.
● Feelings such as hurt, anger, fear, disgust, sadness, shame and guilt that can be experienced by both partners.
● Symptoms of depression, grief, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder.
● Alcohol and other substance abuse.
● Suicide attempts/completion.
● Physical health problems.
● Skewed assumptions, beliefs and sometimes permanent change in their perceived meaning of life. For example, “I thought I could trust you. Now, I don’t trust you anymore and I don’t trust anybody else either.”
● Injured partners often have intrusive memories and flashbacks and can alternate between feeling numb and becoming hyper-aroused and accusatory.
It is not too extreme to note that discovering an affair creates a crisis! It is a serious and devastating threat to your partner’s security and attachment needs. Consider the extreme emotional adversity and vulnerability from isolation and separation in the events of miscarriage, death and life-threatening illnesses. This is not dissimilar.
What now? What can you do if you find yourself or your partner in an adulterous affair? Will you ever recover together, or will your marriage be irreconcilably torn apart? Like many of these extreme events, couples can recover when there is demonstrated commitment toward remorse and forgiveness. Demonstrated commitment includes an acknowledgement that a primary relationship rule has been broken. A focus on transparency, patience, reassurance and validation to repair the broken trust is required: it can take up to three years for trust to be re-established. In therapy, this usually commences with understanding who the betrayer sought to ‘become’ and what needs they yearned to fulfil.
We also collaborate on skills to manage flashbacks, obsessions and triggers and talk about the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. A usual pitfall for couples in recovery is for the betrayer to downplay what has happened in their efforts to repress any shame and guilt. This causes the injured partner to repeat questions and concerns all over again, with even greater fervour. It creates a painful cycle that traps them in isolation and pain. Importantly, affair recovery recognises the needs of both partners and their longings and desires versus repeated shame for the betrayer.
The greatest possible outcome of adultery is that couples build a stronger, shiny, new and improved city of a relationship, far better than the one that was rocked in the earthquake of the affair. If couples decide to part, it is so important to unveil any resulting skewed beliefs about themselves or trusting others that can inhibit future relationships. May I highlight that it’s so exciting to get fun and flirty. It is my hope, however, that this provides a warning of the consequences when you’re doing it with the wrong person! ■
Joanne Wilson is a professional counsellor, neuropsychotherapist, speaker, author and a renowned pioneer in her field. She is the founder of the Relationship Rejuvenator online courses, TheConfidante counselling practice and a specialist in relationships and pre-marriage therapy. Her latest book Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project, $29.99rrp published by Woodslane, is out now. For more info go to www.relationshiprejuvenator.com or her Instagram @therelationshiprejuvenator
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