How we express love to others and how we accept it, differs from person to person. In this extract from her latest book, Renovate Your Relationship, Joanne Wilson takes a look at the five love languages and how they apply to you…
Have you ever gone to great lengths to display your affection and it falls flat? Ever tried to pay someone a compliment or do something kind and they either barely noticed or seemed unappreciative? Has someone even rejected your gesture? What was that about? Have you done something wrong? Don’t take this too harshly but, yes, you probably did. But not in the way you are thinking. Everyone expresses and understands love differently. How we express it to others and how we accept it, differs from person to person. This is called your love language and is certainly one of the many essential concepts in a marriage therapist’s tool kit. It’s simple and effective. I can’t tell you how many clients have told me they wished they knew about this for their ‘first marriage’.
Whilst you’d think displays of affection would be universal, or at least generally consistent within a culture, you’d be wrong. Every single person communicates love differently. Every. Single. One. Sure, there will be overlap. ‘I love you’ is rather straight forward and understood by most people, however, we all have our little quirks and desires. These aren’t just based on the culture and society in which we were raised, but influenced by our upbringing and experiences as well. I’m here to shine the light bulb on yours, to check you don’t spend the rest of your next or current relationship either flying at a different altitude or in a completely different direction to your partner!
Your love language isn’t just verbal. In his book, The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman suggests there are five types of love languages and we use different combinations. The five types are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
You might be someone who expresses love through words of affirmation and physical touch. Your partner may communicate love through quality time and acts of service. You must learn to speak each other’s language so you both feel truly loved by one another. In this example, you need to learn how to express love through quality time and they need to learn how to use words of affirmation.
As a start, a few examples of Words of Affirmation are, “Thank you for doing the dishes/cleaning/taking out the rubbish etc.”, “Your caring heart makes me so happy.”, “You are so beautiful/my big hot spunk.” And “You’re doing so great! Don’t give up.”
If you’re in a relationship and this is your love language, it’s important to tell your partner exactly what style of ‘words’ you feel most loved hearing? Acknowledging your work and achievements could fill up your ‘love cup’ in a heartbeat, whilst hearing about their incredibly alluring looks is important for the next person.
The next step is to think further about how you want to hear it. Is it through handwritten notes, lipstick on the mirror, SnapChat or text message? We are individually created and have preferences, so you may as well help your spouse with what you need to support your connection.
ACTS OF SERVICE
The desire of people whose love language is Acts of Service is, to quote the iconic Elvis Presley, ‘A little less conversation and a little more action’. It’s not that they don’t care for a few kind words or expect a personal attendant either. They place great value in doing something that needs to be done without being asked. To them, performing these actions is a greater display of care and affection than saying it.
This can create some obvious tension when you’ve got one partner who speaks in Words of Affirmation and another who speaks in Acts of Service. The trick is for both partners to learn how to talk to each other. The one who uses words must learn to use actions, and the one who uses actions must learn to use words. It can be quite uncomfortable at first, however with a little repetition and consistency — you’ll both be crooning “Burning Love” instead of “There Goes My Everything”.
Acts of service are often about small gestures rather than, ‘I waxed your car, cleaned the entire house, washed the hound dog, have your lobster thermidor in the oven, and filed your taxes; now let me take off your blue suede shoes.’ That certainly wouldn’t go astray… but the reality is much smaller in scope. Some examples of Acts of Service that may have your partner jump up and jive with love are to make the bed in the morning, pack their lunch for work, run a bath for them or offer to be the designated driver the next time you go out.
I’m certainly not suggesting you sell your soul to slavery. Do take the time, however, to notice what your partner may have been trying to perform for you all these years. Those Acts of Service could well be what they’ve been singing out for. Expect a ‘Suspicious Mind’ when you suddenly turn on their love language but assure them it’s just because ‘I’m Stuck on You’. Is this your love language? Maybe you need to be assertive about telling your spouse how they can ‘Love Me Tender?’ It’s ‘Now or Never!’
GIFTS
‘All I want for Christmas is youuuuuu,’ crooned no person whose love language is Gifts ever! This can be perceived as one of the pricklier languages of the lot. You think kids enjoy Christmas day the most? Ha! A person with a Gifts love language is experiencing levels of bliss and joy those small children with their cherubic faces and unspoiled optimism can only dream about. From someone who falls into this category, I can’t tell you how over the moon I was when my husband bought me a pair of $12 rubber boots for an outdoor music concert. Little did I know how incredibly useful they were about to become when the event became deluged in a torrential monsoon.
When it comes to the Gifts love language, it’s really, really important to try to get away from the mindset that the person is materialistic. Some people are materialistic, don’t get me wrong. For the Gift person, it’s more the time, thought and effort that goes into the gift that truly expresses the love than the thing itself. A small, thoughtful gift — say, something as simple as a pair of rubber boots or replacing the teapot you recently broke (I hope he’s reading) — is a grander expression of love to them than an expensive bracelet they have no want or need for. (Okay, I lie, I wouldn’t refuse that either.)
A non-gift person might feel the pressure of ‘the bigger, the better’, whereas the Gift person just wants to feel that you understand them and thought of them that day. If you feel helpless having realised your partner falls squarely in this category, simply start with the thought, the love and the understanding, not the price tag. Knowing that it’s the thought that truly does count and that this is not some tired cliché will go a long way to establishing a healthy relationship with your Gifts love language spouse.
If you know your partner is stressed, mix it with the Touch or Quality Time love language, perhaps doing something massage- related. Cards attached to presents allow you to use Words of Affirmation. Alternatively, profess your heart-felt love with some romantic prose when you hand over the present. How about two tickets to the cricket for you and your sporty lover? A box of their favourite popcorn would even do it for some people!
Non-gift love language people can struggle with the thought they must buy presents all the time. This isn’t true. Simply surprise and delight at random unexpected times or when they might need a lift the most. As a heads-up, please, please whatever you — remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Your Gift love language spouse is likely lavishing you with presents to express their love. Think back over the last year at how many gifts you’ve received from them. You’ll probably notice they’re things you’ve valued, wanted, or needed. If you’re not a Gift person, you’re probably taking those presents for granted and don’t register them as signs of affection. You might even think they’re trying to placate you with gifts to avoid showing affection? I suspect every one of those gifts you’ve received was their way of saying, ‘I love you; I listen to you, I know who you are, and I know what you need.’
So, please ignore Mariah Carey and her misleading lyrics that some people ‘don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing they need, they don’t care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree.’(sic). Yes, they probably want you for their own… accompanied by your incredibly thoughtful gift behind your back. Make time to lovingly trawl the shops or internet for that unique special something and have it by their birthday or Christmas. No, you can’t hire a buyer’s agent for this one but certainly, feel free to secretly research with their friends or family. Still at a loss? Ask them what they like.
QUALITY TIME
Would you agree that 90% of being married or in a relationship is simply yelling, ‘What?’ from other rooms in the house? You might even consider this as ticking off Quality Time with your partner. Bom Bom. Sorry, that doesn’t cut it and I’m here to save you from relationship erosion, especially if it’s your spouse’s love language. You might think an afternoon in the same house is Quality Time, however, it goes beyond just proximity. It’s a concept that should include focus and attention and I mean talking to and engaging with each other about each other. If this is the love language of your spouse, why is it important?
● Your partner wants to feel like your other half. Whatever activity you need to do today, they probably want to do it with you. Even things that might seem boring, like running errands, can be a bit special for a Quality Time partner simply because you’re together.
● There are few things worse than having a half-focused conversation with someone whose love language is Quality Time. It’ll hurt, hard. Avoid being distracted in conversation. Be present and engaged. Look up from your screen. It’s kind and respectful.
● Your gift of maintaining interest in their life is more valuable than you imagine. Ask them how their day was, then do nothing but listen and give them your full attention.
As we discussed previously, the love language of Gifts isn’t about the gifts as much as the thought behind them. In the same way, Quality Time for your partner may well be no more than sitting next to each other watching a movie. Make your partner feel loved by planning special hangouts for just the two of you. Why not carve out some time at least once a week to make a snazzy meal together and play question games. Or perhaps a game of tennis? That will rack up a heap of quality time credits, especially if you’re both competitive. Video games even count if you’re playing together.
Other types of Quality Time are extreme sports, triathlon or gym training, cooking lessons or food festivals, art gallery or museum tours and even house chores. If you’re in a relationship, you wouldn’t be the first couple to look at me blankly across the couch at this point (even after the explanation and suggestions above) and still be trying to find some common ground on Quality Time. Rest assured; I’ve taken it upon myself to make a huge list of fabulous date ideas. You’ll find them amongst other awesome tips in my Relationship Rejuvenator workbook at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com/books
PHYSICAL TOUCH
By now, you should have unveiled the mystery of what your partner is seeking from you. You’ve also hopefully discovered the ingenuity of being assertive to ask for what you need. If you have successfully received the simple message that it’s important to step out of your own blue suede shoes and express your partner’s love language, NOT yours — you’ve graduated. Easy! Um — no, not always. Not if you have different love languages. Especially if one of them is the fifth language of Touch!
Now I’m sure you’d like me to head straight south with this one. It is not, however, only about a bit of crumpet, doing the hibberty jibberty or hitting a home run. The longer I counsel couples, the more I realise that physical touch can be a deal-breaker. Nothing means more to someone whose primary love language is Physical Touch than a tender caress. You may gift them all the fishing rods, 3D printers, fitness watches or bracelets you can afford this Christmas but nothing communicates love like physical touch.
Let’s brainstorm on what physical touch could include: holding hands, hugging, kissing, back rubs, arm around the shoulder, leg on leg while watching TV, head on lap on a rug in the sunshine. Let’s break it down further to ‘explicit touch,’ which could well be requesting your full attention for a luxurious back massage or a lead into some afternoon delight. ‘Implicit touch’ can be a momentary connection such as a pat on the shoulder or a cheeky slap on the bott-bott as you pass by.
May I stereotype here to highlight that women with a Touch love language so appreciate the implicit version without the dread that it will always require ‘benefits.’ Whilst this, too, is fabulous fun, it’s important to send a message that says, ‘You are more than my pleasure bunny and I love you for who you are.’ Just sayin, fellas!
Touch will need to be featured in your transitions of hellos and goodbyes. It’s worth having a chat about what you appreciate when leaving your partner if this is your love language. Enjoy the relief in knowing that if your partner appreciates touch, simply holding them tight instead of trying to conjure up all the right words will be plenty enough. If you were raised in a culture that did not display affection in this manner, it can be rather uncomfortable. In fact, for some, it is disturbing, excruciating and even embarrassing in public! As with all new habits, practise. If you’ve found yourself in a relationship with someone with a Touch love language, they’ll appreciate your efforts more than you can imagine. ■
Joanne Wilson is a professional counsellor, neuropsychotherapist, speaker, author and a renowned pioneer in her field. She is the founder of the Relationship Rejuvenator online courses, TheConfidante counselling practice and a specialist in relationships and pre-marriage therapy. Her latest book Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project, $29.99rrp published by Woodslane, is out now. For more info go to www.relationshiprejuvenator.com or her Instagram @therelationshiprejuvenator
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