2011 MAXIM Awards

MAN OF THE YEAR
Winner – Shane Warne
Warnie will always be respected for his services to cricket… and because chicks love him and he drives Lambos. Earlier this year he lost a freaky amount of weight and got a Jersey Shore tan. For Liz Hurley, that is. Now they’re engaged and he has an honourary toy car coming out next year. Best. Life. Ever.

MAN OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – Charlie Sheen
Yeah, he proved his invincibility at the start of the year but Charlie’s here purely for his contributions to the English language. Cases in point: “seven-gram rocks”, “tiger blood”, “Adonis DNA”, and “(bi-) winning”. The coke-addled Shakespeare of our time.

MAN OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – Steve Jobs
The tech titan died in October, aged 56. According to him, “Doing LSD was one of the two or three most important things I have done in my life.” We’d say the other two are co-founding Pixar and building Apple into the world’s most profitable tech company.

BIGGEST STUFF-UP OF THE YEAR
Winner – JULIA GILLARD
The PM appeared on Junior MasterChef in September and not only was it a pointless PR exercise but it was totes awks, as junior voters would say. More outrageous still was her decision to bow instead of curtsy for the Queen. The footage had us spitting out our Earl Grey in disbelief.

BIGGEST STUFF-UP OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – ASHTON KUTCHER
How do you replace Charlie Sheen on a show that is essentially a documentary about him? Simple. Hire a guy best known for wearing a trucker hat and saying, “Dude!” And pay him $15 million. While 2.5 Men is still rating well, the show’s lost its heart and soul.

BIGGEST STUFF-UP OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – NEWS OF THE WORLD
The mega-popular British tabloid was notorious for its use of covert surveillance in securing scoops but on July 10 the 168-year-old paper shut down after years of phone hacking allegations came to a head. Six arrests were made.

WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Winner – Black Caviar
The five-year-old Thoroughbred daughter of Bel Esprit and Helsinge is the world’s best sprinter. Her 15th consecutive win came in late-October – breaking Phar Lap’s record of 14 straight victories – and she’s single-hoofedly reignited excitement in racing domestically. Beautiful coat, too.

WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – Ruby Rose
The lady who graced the front of our third issue has balls. Figurative balls, fellas. So passionate is she about the plight of animals that she was willing to be photographed wearing only her tattoos and a variety of wigs. Power to her. And PETA.

WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – Vigilante granny
In February, 71-year-old British grandma Ann Timson foiled a sledgehammer raid on a Northampton jeweller by six crims with a few choice swipes of her handbag. Basically, she’s Batman with arthritis and a knack for making delicious scones.

TOUR OF THE YEAR
Winner – Cadel Evans
The Tour de France – a three-week, 3,500km punish – is arguably the most taxing sporting event around. For a cyclist to win it would mean he’s a pretty special athlete. That’s why July 24 should forever be known as “Cadel Evans Day”, as that’s when the 34-year-old became the first Aussie to win the Tour in its 98-year history.

TOUR OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – Leonardo DiCaprio in Australia
Leo touched down in Sydney in September to shoot The Great Gatsby. Since then he’s partied at many bars housing wall-to-wall glamours, reportedly has two local models on speed dial, and “found new love” in lingerie-wearing specialist Madalina Ghenea.

TOUR OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – SEAL Team Six
We’re not about to celebrate the death of anyone but it’d be remiss of us to overlook the May mission that resulted in the killing of Osama bin Laden. For your 38-minute, CIA-sanctioned raid on the Al Qaeda leader’s Pakistan compound, we salute you.

FIGHT OF THE YEAR
Winner – Gillard vs Abbott
The Itchy and Scratchy of Australian politics have been going at it all year during Question Time: Carbon tax this, Malaysia Solution that. In September, she called out his “mindless negativity” towards offshore processing; in October, he attributed a lack of confidence among female voters to “a competence problem”. Just kiss already, kids!

FIGHT OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – Casey Heynes vs Richard Gale
The March video of “Casey the Punisher” made global news headlines. After being punched and taunted by 12-year-old Richard, Casey, 16, “snapped” and body slammed him with gusto. Whether you agree or disagree with his actions, the bully got owned.

FIGHT OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – Jones vs Shogun
On March 20, lanky light heavyweight Jon “Bones” Jones, then aged 23, became the youngest UFC champion in history after he used a fierce combo of strikes and knees to pummel at least 50 IQ points out of Mauricio “Shogun” Rua before a third-round stoppage.

DISASTER OF THE YEAR
Winner – Meat Loaf’s Australian visit
Though we like his cryptic ramblings and flamboyant shirts, his flat and mumbly shows left fans disappointed. Worst was the 12-minute medley at the AFL Grand Final, where classic tracks were butchered and a purported $600,000 performance fee was wasted. In true Meat style, he later called the AFL “jerks” and online critics “butt smellers”.

DISASTER OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – Qld floods
The deluge persisted from Dec ‘10 till Jan ‘11 – 35 dead, nine missing, and a $30 billion damages bill – but had a silver lining in that it showed the generosity of Aussies. Tens of thousands of volunteers helped with the cleanup and millions of dollars were donated.

DISASTER OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – Tohoku earthquake and tsunami
On March 11, just off the Pacific coast of Japan, a six-minute undersea earthquake triggered tsunami waves up to 40m high, which in turn caused level 7 meltdowns in three nuclear reactors (Chernobyl was also level 7). The death toll was close to 20,000.

HOTTEST WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Winner – Jennifer Hawkins
Power is hot, which explains our thing for female bodybuilders. Why Hawko tops this category doesn’t need much explanation. Not only is she Australia’s highest-earning model and a business powerhouse but she’s extraordinarily easy on the eye, too. You’ll always be our first (cover girl), Jen.

HOTTEST WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – ROSIE HUNTINGTON- WHITeleY
If you put molten lava in a container, placed it in the microwave for a week on the highest setting, and then threw it into the sun you might come close to level of hotness emitted by the British Victoria’s Secret Angel and Transformers 3 star.

HOTTEST WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – MINKA KELLY
You might know Minka from… actually, nobody watched the new Charlie’s Angels and it’s unlikely you saw The Roommate. But the American-French-Irish fox still scored your vote to land a spot in our top three hottest women of the year.

AUSTRALIA’S SEXIEST MODEL
Winner – Jessica Gomes
Just look how happy Jess is to win this award. But you weren’t really focusing on her radiant smile, were you, tiger? To experience the glory of our half-Portuguese, half-Chinese, Perth-raised cover girl, please refer to pages 28-37 of this very issue. It’s a curvy reminder of why swimsuits were invented in the first place. Congrats again, Jess!

AUSTRALIA’S SEXIEST MODEL
Runner-Up 1 – Montana Cox
Montana, 18, won the 2011 cycle of Australia’s Next Top Model. We suppose that’s a fair assessment, seeing as she’s Australian, a model, and so gorgeous we wanna make an anatomically correct figure of her out of wax. Wait… is that weird?

AUSTRALIA’S SEXIEST MODEL
Runner-Up 2 – JESSICA HART
The second in a series of sexy local women named Jess, albeit this Sydney stunner represents the East Coast. A versatile talent, she has worked for both Seafolly (swimsuits) and Victoria’s Secret (lingerie). Call us lame, but we heart Hart. And so do you it seems.

TOOL OF THE YEAR
Winner – Max Markson
A Current Affair had a field day this year with Max, with multiple stories about his “playboy” behaviour. He’s a single man who looks like an ex-wrestler, so we can forgive that. But the celeb agent is also a dickhead, as seen in The Celebrity Apprentice, where he out-tools the various other tools by a considerably cocky, shameless, and manic margin.

TOOL OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – Todd Carney
A stellar rugby league player, but poor off-field decisions (he has a history) led to him and the Roosters parting ways. After looking like he’d killed his career, the Sharks threw Carney, 25, a bone. For not learning from his errors, he’s a clown. Way to enable him, NRL.

TOOL OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – Bali Kid
We all do stupid things at 14. Like buying drugs in a country with some of the world’s harshest anti-drug laws. Just a month ago this dude was allegedly caught with 3.6 grams of marijuana. At the time of print the NSW teen was facing trial.

FUNNIEST MAN OF THE YEAR
Winner – BOB KATTER
In 1964 he threw eggs at The Beatles. Thirty-seven years on and he’s founded Katter’s Australian Party – the only party where the leader serenades the state candidates. He’s just a zany bloke who wants to boil his billy without a permit and block the legalisation of same-sex marriage (they’re both official party policies). Hot tea and heteros forever!

FUNNIEST MAN OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
What would the Hangover movies be without this man? Why yes, that’s right – they’d be quite shit. And anyone who’s seen his online show Between Two Ferns knows he’s a bona fide high priest of humour. Just look at the photo – LOL, LMFAO, and ROFL!

FUNNIEST MAN OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – DANNY McBRIDE
The man behind Eastbound & Down’s Kenny f—kin’ Powers, who, after just two seasons, has won over men everywhere with his foul-mouth and off the charts arrogance. Special props for the line: “There’s no “I” in team, but there is a “U” in c—t.”

THE FML Moment OF THE YEAR
Winner – THE KARDASHIANS
It took a lot to trump the Royal and Twilight weddings but Kim’s betrothal too, union with, and now divorce from, NBA no-name Kris Humphries takes the overexposed cake. The family manages to keep every gossip mag afloat and has four reality shows based around their exploits. Which is puzzling, because, like, what do they actually do?

THE FML Moment OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – OPRAH down under
“WE’RE GO-ING TO AUS-TRA-LI-AAAAAA!” Oprah could afford to build a death ray that reduces our office to cinders, so we’ll be mild. But her trip here last December cost Aussie taxpayers millions – good value if you measure it in terms of cultural cringe.

THE FML Moment OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – THE CARBON TAX
OK, there’s a touch of the FMLs about the prospect of the government’s Clean Energy Bill, 2011 being introduced next July. We’re just sick of hearing about it. Why can’t we have a political system like Italy’s, where the PM holds erotic “bunga bunga” parties?

THE WTF Moment OF THE YEAR
Winner – Ricky Nixon
The “St Kilda Schoolgirl” AFL saga was the train wreck tale of the year. It goes beyond the agent but one does wonder WTF he was doing in the photo above. Apparently, he spent the night with Kim Duthie, the 18-year-old behind the scandal. But she’s flipped her story multiple times, so we guess it’ll remain a mystery until the telemovie comes out.

THE WTF Moment OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – Qantas
We get that industrial relations can be messy but when the entire fleet was grounded for almost 48 hours it was a real clusterf–k. The WTF element? If Qantas embodies “The Spirit of Australia”, why didn’t they shout everyone drinks as an apology?

THE WTF Moment OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – REBECCA BLACK
The 14-year-old’s debut single “Friday” received 167 million views and a record “dislike” rating of 87 per cent on YouTube. Thanks so much for spawning the audio virus that has tainted what used to be the best day of the week. Why, Rebecca, why?

MILF OF THE YEAR
Winner – Miranda Kerr
Yes, Flynn is the luckiest baby in the world and Orlando Bloom is still the guy we’d most like to be (and not just because he’s so dashing and has great hair). More impressive still is that Miranda’s post-baby body seemed to improve on perfection, as best illustrated by the photos of her in the $2.5 million Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Treasure bra.

MILF OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – NATALIE PORTMAN
Contrary to what’s shown above, Mila Kunis is not the father. That honour belongs to Benjamin Millepied, who met Nat on the set of Black Swan, the most arousing mindf—k of 2010. It’s good to see someone benefitted from the rampant sexual tension on set.

MILF OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – JANUARY JONES
The Mad Men star joined the hot mother race in September, when son Xander entered the world. She’s still refusing to reveal who the baby daddy is. Whatever. Let’s not ignore the real issue at hand: She’s positively glowing and her boobs are bigger!

PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR
Winner – JUSTIN BIEBER DIES ON CSI: MIAMI
Look, it’s not particularly good – or even average – acting (and it’s obvious that a stunt guy is taking those fake slugs to the chest) but seeing Bieber’s “criminal mastermind” character getting wasted by Florida’s finest is the YouTube clip that just keeps on giving. Unlike his Christmas album/crime against humanity Under the Mistletoe.

PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – THE ALL BLACKS
NZ came into the 2011 Rugby World Cup with just the one trophy, plenty of pressure, and a rep for being chokers. Then stars Dan Carter and Mils Muliaina got injured. But nothing could stop them, and the world’s top team fought their way to a second title.

PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – JAY-Z FEAT. BEYONCÉ
This year, the multi-millionaire released hot Kanye West collaboration Watch The Throne but that wasn’t the only hot collab he had in 2011. In late-September, he and wife Beyoncé revealed they were expecting. Hey, he’s got 99 problems but potency ain’t one.

GROUP OF THE YEAR

Winner – MAXIM 5
There are two differences between our quintet of model reps and superhero crew The Avengers: There are only four heroes in the Marvel posse and the MAXIM 5 don’t have any powers, per se. Besides the one that makes you drool like you’ve got a mad glandular problem when you see them. Oh God, we’ve just short-circuited another keyboard.

GROUP OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – THE INBETWEENERS
And here you were thinking that the best thing to come out of England this year was Pippa Middleton’s derrière. In fact, it’s the feature-length version of the clunge-tastic TV series about four horny high schoolers. Check it out from November 24.

GROUP OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – ASYLUM SEEKERS
Gee, this lot were busy this year. That’s based solely on headlines, though – we didn’t actually see many of them in public. Once you’re done being used as political pawns and getting “processed” give us a bell. We’d like to take you out for a beer.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR
Winner – CASEY STONER
On October 16, Casey Stoner turned 26. Other things that happened that day include him winning his ninth race (from 11 pole positions) of the Moto GP season, claiming his fifth successive Australian title, and securing the World Championship for the second time in his career. Not a bad way to spend a Sunday.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 1 – SAM STOSUR
The Gold Coast girl tore through the field at the US Open and smashed Serena Williams in the Final, becoming the first Aussie woman to win a tennis Grand Slam tournament since Evonne Goolagong Cawley in 1980.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR
Runner-Up 2 – RICKY PONTING
In late-March, following Ashes and World Cup woes, Punter stepped down as (our most successful) skipper. Since handing the reigns to Pup his batting has been solid.