Continually filmed for the past two years SHEILA VIJEYARASA and TYSON SALIJEVIC could currently be the most documented couple in reality TV. Three months into their relationship, the stars of Channel 9’s Big Miracles decided they wanted to start a family. Here, Tyson shares his story of finding your soulmate, heartbreak, and the trials and tribulations of the IVF process when you’re a bloke trying to become a dad in your 40s…
In the midst of the COVID-19 lockdown, I found myself in an unexpected place – a man in his 40s, single, residing alone in a cosy one-bedroom apartment. It’s a scenario less talked about compared to the narrative surrounding women in similar situations. Yet, here I was, navigating through the complexities of love, relationships and wanting a family during a global pandemic. As an actor, motivational speaker and fitness trainer conducting morning boot camps, I was constantly surrounded by people, particularly women. However, despite my active social life, finding the right connection remained elusive. The dating scene proved rough, filled with ghosting, commitment issues and the ever-infamous ‘perfect man’ syndrome.
Following my latest breakup, I found myself at a crossroads, recognising the need to unpack the baggage of my childhood and past relationship patterns. It was a pivotal moment that led me to seek the guidance of a therapist. Surprisingly, the process proved incredibly transformative, helping me heal wounds that had lingered for far too long. There was a defining moment, where I thought, “I am really ready to meet my soul mate.” I got brave again and went onto the dating apps. But this time, I was different, the next version of me was ready to tackle the dating world again.
I was a lot clearer on what I wanted and what I didn’t want. Six weeks later, Sheila walked into my life – in the middle of lockdown in Sydney. Miracles do happen! From the outset, there was an undeniable magic between us, an inexplicable connection that defied logic. For those lucky enough to own a Tesla, there’s this nifty little gear called “Ludicrous Mode” – when you put your foot on the gas you accelerate from 0 to 100km in a mind-boggling four seconds flat. Sheila and I joked that our relationship was operating on ludicrous mode, and boy, were we in for one exhilarating ride.
Eight weeks into our whirlwind romance, we took the plunge and moved in together. Call it impulsive, call it love-struck – whatever it was, it felt right. Fast forward four months, and we were engaged, committing to a lifetime of adventures together. It was on our first date that we discussed our individual desires to have children, and by our third date, it became clear to me we were compatible in so many ways – Sheila was the woman I wanted to have a family with. Being in our mid-40s, we wasted no time. In an interesting turn of events, on our first date Sheila boldly shared that she had frozen her eggs when she was 38 and we would be using those to ideally have a child.
We decided to throw a curveball and dive headfirst into the world of IVF – just three months into our relationship. Following our initial IVF appointment, a television production company approached us with an interesting proposition – to be part of an exploratory IVF documentary series called Big Miracles. Without hesitation, we seized the opportunity. Little did we know, the immense challenges that lay ahead over the next two-and-a-half years.
Navigating the trials and tribulations of IVF is no walk in the park. The emotional rollercoaster, the physical toll – it’s enough to test the resolve of even the strongest among us. And to have every moment of that journey documented for the world to see? Well, let’s just say it added a whole new layer of complexity to an already challenging process. In the rollercoaster ride of our IVF journey, Sheila’s frozen eggs held our hopes of creating a family. Yet, out of eleven eggs, none resulted in a pregnancy – our first crushing blow. Sheila froze those eggs banking on multiple chances at motherhood once she found the right partner (me!), but life, as we know, can really be unpredictable.
Seven more rounds of IVF followed, with each ending in heartbreak, but we remained strong as a couple in this process. The weight of setbacks, especially as emotional as IVF, can be a heavy burden for any couple to bear. It took every ounce of resilience and courage to persevere, to keep pushing forward despite the relentless string of failure. Many men have asked me how we got through it. As a couple, we become closer, kinder and more caring towards each other – IVF can make your relationship strong if you allow it to.
This is the advice I give when asked: we thought more of what the other was going through and how we can comfort them. It is amazing what happens when you put someone else’s feelings first, and you get yourself out of the way. Communication was pivotal. We did daily check-ins. I let Sheila cry in my arms and I didn’t try to fix the problem, as men often do as their default.
Men need to have an acute awareness of the imbalance in the IVF experience. For us, our job is easy. We don’t go through the endless injections, the mood swings, the hormonal imbalances, the weight gain. IVF is hormones on steroids, and all men do is leave a deposit in a cup and move on. We certainly get the good part of the deal! All you need to do is to support your partner. It sounds simple, but it is not always easy – so definitely seek counselling if you need. Support your partner as they are the ones going through the most massive emotional challenge.
After unsuccessfully doing eight rounds of IVF as a couple in our late 40s, we needed a radically new approach. With the guidance of the IVF team after our final round, we desperately wanted a family and followed a braver path for Sheila, which meant using donor eggs. Donating eggs in Australia is only done altruistically. Legally, you cannot buy human tissue in Australia and thus you go on a donation waiting list. And it could take years to find a donor. We did not have time on our side, so we found a US donor. This process was fascinating – choosing a donor from an online platform was like Tinder for Donor Eggs. We found the right match quickly. And six weeks later, our precious donor eggs arrived in Australia.
At 45, you have a sobering two percent chance of falling pregnant, even with IVF. Using a young donor, those odds go up to an impressive 50 percent chance. We were committed to the process, committed to each other, committed to having the hard conversations about infertility that most people do not want to talk about, and committed to being brave enough to sharing this publicly. From the six donor eggs, we received a blessing, four viable embryos, all excellent quality. Finally, after so much heartbreak, we could feel hopeful for the chance of a family.
The waiting time after implanting an embryo is usually around 10 days, enough time for an embryo to attach to a woman’s body. It is the longest wait of your life. So much hope, so much nervousness, and so much out of your control. For a woman, I think it’s traumatic not knowing if her body will accept an embryo. Finally, over the course of two years trying to conceive, we received the amazing news that Sheila was pregnant! We were so happy that we could fall pregnant, so many tears, so many heartfelt messages, and all captured for the Australian public too!
Once the initial euphoria wore off, we were on the waiting journey that every expectant parent goes through – a healthy 12-week scan and 20-week scan. Constantly questioning, “Is the baby healthy?” So many worries that never stop. Happily, we are weeks away from giving birth. The baby is growing beautifully, and Sheila is glowing. We are extremely excited and nervous about our newborn baby arriving soon.
The most important aspect of this whole journey was our connection. Never losing ourselves to grief, thinking more about the other than ourselves and never forgetting why we wanted to have a family in the first place. Our journey was unique in that we had a film crew filming our experiences, in fact we are still filming for Season 3. We know that our challenging IVF story is many couples’ stories, too. We felt privileged that we could provide inspiration and support to others going through the same journey.
We have been overwhelmed by the support and DMs we have both received, thanking us for being brave enough to tell our story publicly and giving them hope too. Sheila and I shared a common goal: to break down barriers of understanding IVF, challenge stigmas around infertility and offering a glimmer of hope to those navigating the murky waters of creating a family in an unconventional way.
You can watch Season 1 and 2 of Big Miracles on 9NOW
By TYSON SALIJEVIC
For the full article grab the May 2024 issue of MAXIM Australia from newsagents and convenience locations. Subscribe here.
