Chris Pontius

The hilarious American stunt performer, from Jackass and Wildboyz fame, discusses his hypothetical last day on Earth…

G’day, Chris. You’ve been a member of the Jackass team for over 22 years. How would you sum up your role with this crazy crew?
I’m pretty happy with my performance during my Jackass career. I just want to contribute to as many bits as possible, no matter which guy the main focus is on, just to make it the best it can be.

Which Jackass situation or experiment would you have never been prepared to lay your life on the line for?
With Jackass, sometimes it’s best not to be too prepared or think about things until they are right in front of you. Otherwise, it would just be too difficult to sleep at night, worrying about the scary thing that you have to do tomorrow. Sometimes though, an opportunity just presents itself that you never expected or you imagine yourself doing, and you just going for it. For example, The Kiss of Death which, of course, is when I kissed a King Cobra on the top of the head. I never really thought I would do that or was even asked, but there I was, playing with a cobra and I just wanted to go for it. It’s things like these that make you happy that you are alive.

What’s your last meal before you leave the world?
Probably a bunch of cookies or something sweet, because those type of treats seem to help me rest better.

Are you going to Heaven or Hell?
If it’s one or the other, I think Heaven because I always try to be the best person I can be and make amends for any bad things that I might have done in the past. I have always thought devils had a cooler look, though, with the horns and tail. I always wished I had a tail.

Which legendary people will you hang out with in the afterlife?
I guess I would like to meet people who held records for crazy things, just to ask them questions. To interview them. The guy with the longest penis of all time. The lady with the biggest boobs. You know, just ask them about how they managed during their day-to-day life on Earth. I’m sure there’s been some guy who could never stop farting – these are the type of people I would love to meet.

What’s the greatest Chris Pontius body of work that never saw the light of day?
There are a few Wildboyz bits that never aired, for one reason or another, that were so amazing. One is called Fish Eagle Penis Fishing, where we went to a remote lake in the Rift Valley region of Kenya. We all wore Camo thongs tied to a long string dangling fish. When the glorious eagles swooped down and snatched up the fish, it would cinch the string around our private parts tight, into a ball, and giving us a shocking tug. It was so funny and I want the world to see it. Some things are just beyond words – you just have to see them.

Besides family, what’s your greatest achievement during your time on Earth?
That changes on a day-to-day basis, but right now I’m really proud of the intro to Jackass Forever, bringing Pontiusaurus to the masses. If you don’t know what Pontiusaurus is, you must watch the movie. I think that scene alone is worth the price of admission and it’s just the most ridiculous thing we’ve ever done, bringing together the foremost experts in their respective fields, from demolition specialists to puppeteers to film this naughty Godzilla style movie scene. I love it!

What’s the dumbest thing you ever did on Earth?
I think the dumbest thing anyone can do is to listen to the people who tell you what you can or cannot do with your life. I mean, so much of what my friends and I do is what would traditionally be called dumb. Really, to me, the dumbest thing I could have done would have been to go out in life seeking security and not taken any chances.

What’s the most dangerous Jackass stunt you did while on Earth?
That could be so many things, but the first to come to mind right now is The Bull Shark Matador, which we filmed for Jackass Shark Week. I got dressed up in a really cool matador outfit and got into the water with a bunch of fired-up bull sharks, who are possibly the most dangerous shark to humans. Luckily, I pushed it just far enough without getting bit, but there were a few moments when it could have gone really array. One shark even crushed the camera attached to my cape.

Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again?
I did this “Right of Passage” in the Amazon jungle called the “glove of ants”, that was more painful than all the other painful things combined and it was 24 hours of agony. On the bright side, according to that tribes traditions, it made me into a man.

What’s the best thing about the latest offering, Jackass Forever?
I think just the friendship and interaction of all of us having so much fun together. I think people relate to it because it reminds them of their friends.

Finally, got any last words?
Whenever an opportunity comes up that might lead somewhere, say “yes”. Surround yourself with likeminded people and don’t worry if something won’t turn out the way you expected. It might just be even better, so have some faith, keep following whatever path you are on and see where it takes you. Put as much into this world of whatever you have to offer it. I believe life is about what you put in, not about what you get. ■